Those Scary Times

When it comes to long term illnesses, you learn something very quickly, to be patient. We have received difficult news several times during the course of Rach's illness. This week was no different. Her neurologist got her blood work back from the lab and last Tuesday he called us at home in the evening with the news. She had elevated liver enzymes (meaning that something could be destroying her liver) and the doctor didn't know why. None of the meds she was taking should be doing this. But with the battery of powerful meds, one thing they are always looking out for is destruction of vital organs. The chemo can affect the heart, and the steroids can destroy the kidneys, the diabetes that comes from steroid use can destroy a plethora of organs, so checking for problems is always ongoing.

When the doctor calls and says he is perplexed about the elevated count, it's unnerving. When the doctor calls you in the evening, around 7:00pm, it's even more alarming because you understand he has red flags popping up. Rach's scheduled blood test was supposed to be last Friday but he orders one for Thursday.

For all the people that have gone through long term illnesses, you'll understand this. Like this elevated liver enzymes, I've learned to cope with "potentially" bad news. When Rach first got ill, everything became big. If it was bad news, in my mind, it became even worse. I'm not sure if this is human nature or just the way my mind works. But as time has passed, I've learned, instead of talking about it, I keep quiet. I go to work, unsettled; having my life turned upside down (again), until the results come back. I continue on. Some days I can focus and then I'll lose minutes, lost in the weight of the situation. I figure there is no sense having everyone worried or panicked. I pray.

So Liisa, Rach and I wait for the results. We are all on the pool deck, pulling weeds and throwing gallons of chlorine into the pool, when we "get the call". It's her neurologist. Liisa comes back and says, her enzymes are all back to normal. With that, all of us give a sigh of relief and can relax again.

There have been many of these "scary times" that have cropped up. The other day, Rach was a little more unsteady than usual and made the comment, "I'm a little off today". She has never commented on a good day or bad day before, so what does that mean? If she notices it, how bad can that be? Is she starting to regress? The very next day, she is back to improving. Those "scary times" have nearly become a part of our daily lives, some of them bigger, some really small but they are there. It is exhausting and is a roller coaster of emotions.

So, if any of us seem unattached, short or out of sorts that day, it might just be one of those "scary times" rearing its head. There is a lot behind the scenes going on that just hasn't been talked about yet.